Science Teachers Don't Go To Church

Once upon an atom there was a rock. Just a simple, ordinary, ordinary, rock. Created by the wonders of science. It sat next to a small rock, like itself, and a bigger rock. Spontaneously the biggest rock combusted, exploding into a million pieces. However, like a black hole, all of these pieces were sucked back together in a formation similar to that of "Superman" or "Hancock". Science announced this super being to be called, God. God had many super powers, which he used to create plants and animals. The first of them was a dandelion, and then a platypus. The platypus was his favorite creation so far. The dandelion, however, was a douchbag. Always contradicting him and saying how atrocious he looked in those slacks. But the platypus (who could also fly, and gave way to the evolution of the flying squirrel and the "ugly duckling") was kind and wise, but he was a chronic masturbater. He would always lend helpful advice to God that would best benefit science.

God was constantly feeling depressed because he had no way to pleasure himself. The feeling of creating things like trees and the Internet had become unsatisfying. So the platypus suggested that God create devices specifically for pleasure. At first he made Halo 3, but that failed faster than he had expected. So he sat and thought long and hard. So long, and so hard, that the platypus grew a beard. The dandelion suggested a casino, but God new that the dandelion was a prick and he would probably hustle him out of his money.

Then it hit him! He picked up two small rocks and transformed them into the "penis" and the "vagina". Unfortunately they looked a little bit more unattractive than he anticipated. So he created bodies for them to overcompensate. He called his creations "Atom" and "Evolution". God and the platypus explained the whole situation and how science is totally fly, while the dandelion rooted in the corner plotting a platypus genocide.

Unfortunately Atom and Evolution were quite unexcited about, existing, and more interested in each other's genitalia. They became completely infatuated with each other and started to discover sex and long periods of passionate kissing naked right in front of God and the platypus! The platypus couldn't handle the pressure so he hid in the bushes for a quick "release".
In his jealous rage, God created swear words and began using them improperly, making the dandelion twitch. Then he began throwing rocks everywhere. Two of them collided in the air spawning sparks that landed on the the dandelion, setting him aflame, and creating fire. Atom and Evolution used this fire to cook some food, that happened to be the platypus. And they inhaled the smoke from the dandelion's ashes making their children complete pricks, who wanted nothing but power and using up all of the area's natural resources. Thus the dawn of humans.

Years later God created the grandest of penises and met a girl named Mary at a local bar. They had two sons. One was abandoned after prom and later named Kimbo Slice. And the other was Jesus, who was ridiculed by the Jews for not excelling at math and business. They shoved him into lockers until he was to big, so they whipped out the wooden cross.

The rest is history...